If . . .
Scene 1: a living room
Announcer
Wait a moment: our drama is still under construction.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Welcome to a true story. His name is Harry Harry Harrison. He’s a professional dancer. [Harry Dances badly.] He’s a secret agent. [Fires gun and is scared.] He’s a magician. [Makes flower appear from the fly of his trousers.]
No! No no no! He never did any of these things. Harry Harry Harrison has actually been in school for the last 52 years. He’s the oldest student in the world. [Looks like old man.] He has a degree in mathematics. [Tears it in two.] He has a degree in Physics. [Sends it flying into audience.] He has a degree in advanced writing. [Gives it to member of audience to read.]
Oh look, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls: here comes his friend Sue.
Sue
Hi Harry.
Harry
Hi Sue.
Sue
So, you have a degree in mathematics.
Harry
Yes. Actually I have two degrees in mathematics. [Shows three fingers.]
Sue
1, 2, 2? [Copies his finger counting.] And you have a degree in Physics.
Harry
Yeah.
(An apple comes rolling across the stage making a sound like a clanking tin can. Harry dives for it and retrieves it.)
Sue
Is that Newton’s Apple?
Harry
No, it’s my apple. [Starts to eat it.]
Sue
And you have a degree in advanced writing.
Harry
Yes.
Sue
You are very well educated. And so many degrees. So how come you are so stupid?
Harry
I went to a very good school.
Sue
You went to a very good school and you are so stupid? That makes no sense.
Harry
It was a very good school with very bad teachers.
Sue
Very bad teachers. Mmm. Like [whispers to audience] Phoenix. So, maybe it’s time to get a job and go to work.
FX
Every time the word work is said throughout the show, Beethoven’s 5th da da da daaaa is heard.
Harry
A job? Go to work? But I like school so much.
Sue
Mmm. Maybe you can get a job in a school. And then you can go to school and go to work at the same time.
Harry
Hey, can I go to school and go to work at different times?
Sue
Mmm, maybe.
Harry
Ok, I’ll ask a teacher.
FX
Sound of water dripping.
Sue
[Looking up.] Oh, is there a leak?
Harry
Leak? Yes, yes, can you find it?
Sue
Ok. Give me a bucket.
[Sue looks for the leak while Harry goes stage left and pees in a bottle.]
FX
Sound of peeing in a bottle.
Sue
What are you doing?
[Harry shakes his penis dry.]
FX
Hand bell rings.
Sue
Is there really a leak? Did you find it?
Harry
Yeah, I found it.
[Harry puts bottle of pee on the floor.]
Announcer
Hi. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Harry Harry Harrison has decided to talk to a teacher.
[Harry calls on a mobile. Recorded devils type voice:]
Voice
If you would like to speak to a teacher, please press 666.
Harry
666?
FX
Thunder and lightening.
Harry
Number 666?
FX
Thunder and lightening.
[Harry dials 666.]
FX
Thunder and lightening.
Voice
Hello?
Harry
Hello? Am I speaking to a teacher?
Voice
A good question.
Harry
Do you have a good answer?
Voice
Yes.
Harry
What’s the answer?
Voice
Yes. Yes is the answer.
Harry
Hey, now: what’s the question?
Voice
I don’t remember.
Harry
Ok. Goodbye.
Voice
Goodbye. [Evil laughter.]
Sue
What did he say?
Harry
I don't remember.
Sue
I told you not to speak to a teacher.
Harry
[Drinks from bottle of pee.] Hey, what’s that? I know, this is my piss.
Sue
Really? I know, piss is very good for our health. [She drinks from the bottle.] Do you want some? [Offers audience member.]
Announcer
Hi. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Harry Harry Harrison has decided to speak to an advisor. He needs help.
Scene 2: advisors office
Stage lights are off. Harry and advisor stand on opposite sides of a counter. Each has a table lamp which he turns on when speaking and off when listening. Towards the end they get confused and lights switch on and off willy-nilly.
Advisor
Hi.
Harry
Hi. I’d like to see and advisor. I need advice.
Advisor
It’s true?
Harry
Of course it’s true. You think I lied?
Advisor
Ride?
Harry
Not ride. Lied.
Advisor
Ride?
Harry
Hey, watch my tongue: L l l l l l l l lied.
Advisor
You lied?
Harry
No.
Advisor
Oh. Well what do you want?
Harry
I’d like to see and advisor. I need advice.
Advisor
I am an advisor. I give advice too. We’ll go in my office.
Harry
Good.
Advisor
Please walk this way.
Harry
This way? [Harry copies silly walk of advisor. Harry sits.]
Advisor
Now, please, please sit down.
Harry
[Harry stands.] Thank you.
Advisor
You’re welcome.
Harry
Oh, I have a big problem. My problem is as big as an elephant.
Advisor
Elephant? I like elephants.
FX
Jungle and elephants sounds.
Harry
Ok. Can you give me advice?
Advisor
Yes.
Harry
For free?
Advisor
Yes. I give free advice for only 10 million yen.
Harry
10 million yen? How much is that in dollars?
Advisor
Er, one.
Harry
One? Ok. [Gives money.]
Advisor
Thanks. Now, please, stand up. Stand up.
[Harry sits.]
Harry
Ok, my problem is this: I want to go to school, but I want to go to work at the same time. What should I do?
Advisor
You want to go to school, and you want to go to work at the same time?
Harry
Yes.
Advisor
My advice is: learn to teach English as a second language. Then you can go to school and you can go to work at the same time because you will be working in a school.
Harry
Fantastic.
FX
Romantic music.
[They embrace.]
Announcer
Hi. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Harry Harry Harrison has decided to become and English teacher. Only, there is a problem. He will speak to Mrs. Administration.
Scene 3: an office
Harry
Hello.
Mrs. Admin.
Hello
Harry
Are you responsible for problems?
Mrs. Admin.
Yes. I’m responsible for all problems.
Harry
Great. I have a problem. You know, I’m intelligent. I have a degree in Origami.
Mrs. Admin.
Show me.
Harry [Makes a flapping bird. Flaps its wings.]
Mrs. Admin. Can I try? [She flaps its wings and destroys it.] Oh. So, what’s your problem?
Harry
My problem? I want to teach English as a second language, but I was told I have to take an elementary writing class.
Mrs. Admin.
Mmm.
Harry
It’s crazy. I have a degree in advanced writing. I can even write in Japanese with my eyes closed.
Mrs. Admin.
Show me.
Harry
Ok. [Stand up and closes eyes. Writes insults in Japanese on the white board.]
Mrs. Admin.
Wow. that’s very good. What does it mean?
Harry
Oh, It means you are beautiful. [Sniggers aside to audience.]
Mrs. Admin.
Thank you. Thank you. But, you know, you still have to take the elementary writing class.
Harry
It’s crazy. I can even write in Japanese and cry at the same time.
Mrs. Admin.
Show me.
Harry
[Sobs and writes more insults on white board.]
Mrs. Admin.
Absolutely fantastic. What does it mean?
Harry
Oh, It means, I’m almost falling in love with you. [Sniggers aside.]
Mrs. Admin.
Absolutely fabulous. But, rules are rules.
Harry
It’s crazy. I can write in Japanese and drink at the same time.
Mrs. Admin.
Show me.
Harry
Ok. [Partially hidden he drinks from large sake bottle.]
FX
Tick tock time is passing.
Mrs. Admin.
One hour!
[Harry returns centre stage, drunk. Pours a glass for Mrs. Admin. Administration.]
Mrs. Admin.
Ok. Show me.
[Harry writes insults on white board.]
Mrs. Admin.
Absolutely fantastic. Are you ok?
[Harry throws up.]
Mrs. Admin.
Urgh. Are you ok?
Harry
Ok.
Mrs. Admin.
Ok?
Both
Lots of okays etc.
Announcer
Ok. Be quiet.
[Mrs. Administration and Harry continue to cause a disturbance: Harry throwing up, Mrs. Administration saying ok. Announcer shoots them both dead with a pistol.]
Announcer
Ok. Even though Harry can write very well, rules are rules and he must take an elementary writing class.
[Blackout.]
Announcer
Hi. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, one day something very strange happened. Oh, look, Harry Harry Harrison is talking to one of his old teachers in the sacred hallways of the school.
Scene 4: sacred hallway
Harry
What an old teacher.
Old Teacher
Alan? Is that you Alan? [Old teacher is looking in the wrong direction.]
Harry
No. Harry. Harry Harry Harrison.
Old Teacher
Larry?
Harry
Harry.
Old Teacher
Hari Kari?
Harry
Harry Harry.
Old Teacher
Oh, it’s you Harry. I’m sorry. I’m feeling very very old. My brain is feeling very tired. Very very. [Lots of verys etc.] I work too hard. I need to help. Maybe you could teach one of my classes.
Harry
Why not? Hey, which class do you want me to teach, teacher?
Announcer
Hi. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Which class do you think the old teacher wants Harry Harry Harrison to teach? A class of jumping up and down?
[Harry tries to jump and fails.]
Announcer
Which class does the dear old teacher want Harry Harry Harrison to teach? What? What what what? [Lots of whats etc.]
FX
Drum roll.
Old Teacher
I want you to teach the ELEMENTARY WRITING CLASS.
Scene 5: a class room
Announcer
Hi. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, imagine now a classroom where Harry Harry Harrison is the teacher in the Elementary Writing Class. And imagine the same classroom where Harry Harry Harrison is a student in the Elementary Writing Class. Yes: he’s a teacher—and a student, in the same class.
Harry
Hi boys and girls. My name is Mr. Harry Harry Harrison. Welcome to the Elementary Writing Class. Hey, could you tell me all your names?
Student #1
My name is Gonzimon.
Student #2
Panem.
Student #3
Shinkijin
Harry
And you there? [Talking to empty seat.] Hey, what’s your name?
[Changes places, sits down and put on a hat.]
Harry (Student)
My name is Harry Harry Harrison.
[Switches places and removes hat etc.]
Harry (Teacher)
Oh, you are Harry? Harry Harry Harrison, I’ve heard you are a very good student!
Harry (Student)
I’ve heard you’re a very good teacher!
Harry (Teacher)
Thank you very much. Ok, now, who can spell DOG?
All
I can. I can etc.
Harry (Teacher)
How about you Harry?
[ Student #1 goes to the whiteboard and writes.]
Student #1
I think that’s right.
Harry (Teacher)
No. That doesn’t say DOG. That says GOD.
Student #1
I don’t believe it!
Harry (Teacher)
Ok, now, who can spell DOG correctly?
ALL
Me me etc.
[Student #2 goes to the whiteboard. Writes DOG.]
Harry (Teacher)
No. No no no. Hey, Harry, why don’t you stand up and show them.
Harry (Student)
Yes Great Emperor.
[Writes CAT.]
Harry (Teacher)
Great, Harry. that’s correct.
ALL
No no etc.
Harry (Teacher)
C.A.T. Dog. Well done. 100%.
ALL
Booo etc.
Student # 3
He’s crazy.
Student #2
He’s potty.
Student #1
He’s insane.
Student # 3
He’s dotty.
Student #2
He’s loony.
Student #1
He’s notty.
Harry (Teacher)
He’s a very good student.
Harry (Student)
He’s a very good teacher.
Student # 3
I’m excellent.
Student #2
I’m a genius.
Student #1
I’m not so bad
All
I’m great etc.
[Arguments and mayhem ensues.]
Announcer
Our drama is still under construction. Wait until next semester. |
